IN the annual spirit of compulsive declarations, summations andresolutions, let me just say, I'm sorry.
For everything. The Crusades, destruction of the Mayan temples,the Spanish Inquisition, (really sorry for that), the Bay of Pigsand, not least, typing the word 'possom' when I really meant'possum.'
But. You knew this was coming: I was sexually abused by a Catholicpriest as a teenager and I'm an alcoholic.
I am also a gay columnist.
OK, I wasn't and I'm not. Nyet. None of the above.
Never abused by a priest, never an alcoholic (well, not much ofone), and not gay.
But any one - or a combination of the above - seems sufficientthese days to explain behavior unbecoming a civilized human being.Not gayness precisely, but living as a closeted gay, in which caseanything one does is pardonable because one has had to live a lie,which is not one's fault.
A quick review of last year's mea culpa parade reveals a trend wewon't want to drag into this new year. Indeed, there seems to be somenew contagion in the air, a virus that causes those infected torevert to their primal selves.
Celebrities, such as two starlets who left home without theirpanties, seem especially vulnerable to the germ.
Britney Spears found herself sans bloomers as she exited a carthat also contained Paris Hilton, who, come to think of it, may bethe original carrier of the bug that has infected so many.
Spears, the divorcing mother of two, apologized on her Web site,saying: "It's been so long since I've been out on the town withfriends. It's also been two years since I've even celebrated mybirthday."
Well, why didn't you just say so in the first place? Of course youdidn't wear underwear!
Lindsay Lohan similarly flashed a crowd of preteens when sheforgot to wear panties to the Kids' Choice Awards. She has begunattending Alcoholics Anonymous.
Then came Miss USA Tara Conner, who almost lost her tiara forunderage drinking. After she made a tearful public apology, pageantco-owner Donald Trump decided to forgive Conner, who agreed to enterrehab and undergo drug testing.
Katie Rees, Miss Nevada USA, didn't fare so well. She lost hercrown for a photo collection that showed her baring breast and thong,and mock-kissing other women where the sun doesn't shine - unlessyou're Spears or Lohan.
Other infected notables include actor/director Mel Gibson andcomedian Michael Richards, aka Kramer on "Seinfeld."
Gibson, who got pulled over for DUI, expressed dissatisfactionwith his circumstances by ranting to the Jewish deputy sheriff thatJews are to blame for all the wars throughout history. The star lateradmitted to fighting alcoholism, and entered rehab.
Richards, meanwhile, went into a racist rage when hecklersinterrupted his comedy skit. He took his apology to David Letterman's"Late Show," where he promised to get to the bottom of the rage thatcaused him to "talk trash" and the U.S. to take war to anothernation.
Yes, he did.
The germ apparently not only had infected Richards, but the entireU.S. government, including Rep. Mark Foley, R-Fla., who resignedoffice when his sexually explicit electronic messages to male pagescame to light.
Foley apologized, saying he had been abused by a priest when hewas a teen and that he is an alcoholic. He also announced that he isgay, which seemed to surprise only Foley.
Finally, O.J. Simpson wrote a book that no one published and noone read, confessing how he might have killed his ex-wife, NicoleSimpson, and her friend, Ron Goldman, if he had done it.
But, of course, he didn't.
Public outrage led to Simpson's book being canceled before itsrelease, and his publisher, Judith Regan of HarperCollins, was fired.
Regan did not apologize for her lousy idea, though she didannounce that she was a victim of domestic abuse and that she wasmoving to Ireland.
Simpson, thus far, has offered no apology. For anything. Ever.
And that, as they say, is a wrap on a year that would drive anyoneto drink, but not to drink and drive. Be grateful it's over, anddon't forget to wear your underwear.
Ever.
Parker may be reached by e-mail at kparker@kparker.com.
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